Regrets
by Bernadeen
Summary: 2003 was a difficult year for Mac and Harm's friendship. Mac believed there would never be a future for them together, until she had to face the possibility of losing Harm forever.
1. Chapter 1

**Regrets**

By Bernadeen

Rated: K+

Disclamer: Disclaimers: I don't own and claim no rights to any of these wonderful characters. This story is only for entertainment purposes.

Summary: After the events of 2003 – Harm's trial for murder, Mac's mission with Webb in Paraguay, Harm's leaving the Navy to save her, Mac's telling Harm they can never be together, and Harm's time in the CIA – very little of their friendship remains, until Mac must face the possibility of losing Harm forever.

A/N: I know nothing about the physical characteristics of the Naval base at San Diego. I'm going for a logical description (I hope), not an accurate one.

**Chapter 1**

_January 2004_

_San Diego NAS_

_1400 PST_

Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr., pushed open the heavy steel door of the central command building and stepped out into the mild southern California afternoon. He breathed deeply and smiled. Somewhere along the way he had forgotten how much he enjoyed the climate here, especially compared to the damp cold of a DC winter. He and Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie had just finished up a case and their transport back east wasn't scheduled to leave until 1800. The bright sunshine and mild breezes beckoned Harm as he strolled aimlessly along the maze of sidewalks linking the many buildings of the Navy base. Without conscious thought, he found himself on a small rise of ground laid out with flower beds and several benches. It was located near the entrance buildings and was used by visitors to the base. Several trees shaded the area. Standing beside one of the trees, Harm could look out over the base buildings and see the blue of the ocean beyond, alive with the constant movement of both pleasure boats and Navy ships.

With a sigh, Harm leaned his hip against the back of a bench and forced himself to relax and enjoy the calming view and balmy temperatures. It had been a satisfying investigation. He and Mac seemed to be working better together. Regretfully he acknowledged that it wasn't like it used to be, but also regretfully he now believed they would never again have that close relationship they once had. Best friends and devoted partners who would always back each other in any situation – that was what they once were. Now they were nothing more than colleagues who respected each other's abilities. He had told her once that what he wanted most was never to lose her, but he had lost her anyway.

Harm narrowed his eyes as he gazed into the distance and contemplated the year that has just ended. 2003 had not been a good year for Harmon Rabb. First there was Lt. Singer's murder. He had been sure that Sergei was the father of her child and feared he might be involved in her death. Instead, the Admiral asked Harm whether he was the father of Singer's baby. Though he quickly withdrew the question, it was hurtful to Harm that the Admiral had enough doubt to ask. Then to be actually charged and tried for her murder. And during all that time, his so-called friends from JAG were conspicuously absent. He understood the need for them to remain distant because several were called to testify. Even so, he had expected Mac to communicate with him somehow. But she hadn't .. not a word. Not until well after the trial was over and she came to his apartment to tell him about her mission to Paraguay. Even then she just dropped the news on him that she was going on a dangerous mission and left before he could even tell her to be careful or wish her luck.

He forced his thoughts to stop here. Though the following months had had their high points, he really didn't want to think about them. When he did, what he always remembered first was the fact that he gave up everything to go after Mac, and she threw it all back in his face. The one lasting good that emerged from Harm's career and personal low point was Mattie. She was quite a girl, he thought to himself, smiling. He was looking forward to getting home to see what new challenges she had for him.

As he stood lost in thought, Harm felt Mac's presence even before she spoke. Damn, they had always had a link and it seemed as though it still existed, in spite of both their efforts to break it. Mac came to stand beside him, and also turned her gaze to the water. After a moment of not entirely comfortable silence, Mac said wistfully, "I'm almost tempted to go UA just so I could stay here instead of going back to the cold."

"It wouldn't work, you know. Kansas has nasty winters, too, I hear." Harm teased, referring to the federal prison at Leavenworth where military deserters were sent. "Besides, you've got a lot to go back to in DC."

"Yeah," Mac responded without conviction.

Harm finally turned to look at her, then looked away again. He couldn't keep a tiny note of bitterness out of his voice. "Come on, Mac. I would have thought you're exactly where you want to be both professionally and personally."

Mac didn't answer right away. When she did, her voice was quiet and sad. "2003 was a difficult year. I can only hope 2004 will be better."

"You sound like you have regrets," he said, surprised.

"Hindsight is always 20-20. You know that, Harm. I would have done some things differently if I had known the consequences."

"Wouldn't we all. But that's not ever going to happen. All we can do is learn to live with those consequences." Harm waited for Mac to keep the conversation going. When she didn't, he found himself saying, "Okay. If you could do just one thing differently last year, what would it be?"

After a few seconds, Mac said slowly, "There's so much …but if I could change just one thing … it would be what I said to you at the hotel just before we left Paraguay."

That got Harm's attention. He gave her a hard look, though she continued to look straight ahead. Suddenly it felt like they were on dangerous ground again. Almost afraid to ask the question, he couldn't stop himself. "What would you change?"

"I wouldn't have said it."

He was even more afraid to ask the next question but it was equally impossible to stop himself. "Do you… do you think you were wrong?"

Mac turned and raised her eyes to his. The pain and confusion she saw there forced her to look away quickly. "No, I don't think I was wrong. I believed what I said … but that doesn't mean I wanted it to be true. I guess I was trying to find a reason why we never could get past a certain point. We're too competitive and we … we just don't care for each other enough to overcome it."

Harm's voice was quiet with anger when he answered, "I told you once before .. you have no idea how I feel. I gave up .. as you so touchingly put it .. all I had .. to find you in Paraguay. In spite of all the knocks I took afterward, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I thought you understood that …" Harm stopped speaking, clamping down on his anger. With a defeated sigh, he suddenly felt drained. He had worked so hard to make himself believe that he didn't still want more than friendship from Mac. With just a few words, she had ripped open the wound he thought had begun to heal.

Mac looked surprised by his outburst. Before she could say anything, Harm continued, in a quietly controlled voice, "Look, I'm sorry I asked you what you'd change. It was a stupid question since it's all in the past and can't be changed." He pushed away from the bench he had been leaning against. "The car to the airfield will be leaving soon," he stated and walked back toward the office building.

The flight back to DC was uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. They were on a C-130 slumped in the removable seats along the cold wall of the plane. Harm ignored Mac, sitting on the opposite side of the plane, and talked with other sailors and Marines on board.

Mac, for her part, sat quietly, deep in thought. She had spoken the truth … she deeply regretted her statement that she and Harm had no future together. At the time she had believed it was true, but, as she tried to explain to Harm, her saying it didn't mean it was what she wanted. She knew what she wanted .. she wanted Harm .. she always had. But he always seemed just out of reach so she looked elsewhere. How could she have thought she would find what she needed from another man. She should have learned her lesson with Mic. While she cared for him and she knew he loved her, the possible fulfillment of her dream of a family wouldn't have been enough. Why was she now trying to find what she was seeking with Clayton Webb?

She and Clay had shared a terrifying experience in Paraguay. It created a bond, but their relationship offered none of the promises of family that she wanted. Clay's job was too dangerous .. too secretive. There was nothing but shifting sands to try to build a life on. Clay didn't know what he really wanted. He was still recovering from his experience in South America. He thought he wanted her, but she didn't think Clay would let his defenses down enough to really build a strong relationship. It would make him too vulnerable, personally, emotionally, and professionally. It wasn't going to work with Clay. Mac sighed and rested her head back against the wall of the plane as she finally admitted that truth to herself. Perhaps she and Clay could still help each other, offer support, continue a selective friendship, in the future. But she knew she needed to make it clear that she couldn't visualize any version of her dream in their future .. no home in the suburbs and children playing in the back yard.

She looked across to where Harm was now sitting quietly, apparently in deep thought. The other passengers had all quieted down for the long flight, and he appeared to be oblivious of his surroundings. She wondered what he was thinking about .. then chided herself that, through her own doing, she no longer had any right to wonder that. Letting her head fall forward, she stared at the scuffed gray floor of the plane as she thought about how she had messed up things again. She knew she was a tuff Marine, a good lawyer, had excellent investigative skills and a quick mind. It was in personal things that she just kept falling short. At least she had been able to control her alcohol addiction, though her uncle Matt and the Marine Corps had played a big role in that. She could feel the regrets closing in like a damp fog swirling from the sea over land, bringing a gray blur to clear vision, almost smothering with its claustrophobic shroud.

With a conscious mental shift, she pulled away from the dark thoughts. There was no point in dwelling on past mistakes. She had done some things right, hadn't she? Chloe, for one. She believed she had really helped the little girl when her rebellion could have caused her long-term problems. Finding that her father was alive and wanted her had made Mac feel good. And she had supported Harm personally and professionally … at this thought, Mac had to admit to herself that had once been true but wasn't any longer. The change started when each had taken their turn on the bench. Harm had acted unprofessionally, in her opinion, but she hadn't been any better when his turn had come. In fact, she had requested the Admiral to remove Harm from the case. Then during the whole investigation and trial for Lt. Singer's murder .. she'd been ordered to stay clear of Harm but she should have tried to do something. He had to feel betrayed by his friends. Then he was no more back in the office and she was off to Paraguay with Webb. And now her thoughts had brought her full circle .. back to the present situation.

What did she want? Could she be honest with herself for just a few minutes and answer that question? What she wanted was Harmon Rabb's love. Wow. She had never allowed that clear, simple desire to form so precisely in her mind. For a few minutes she let her mind drift .. indulging herself in a dream of happiness .. a dream where she and Harm loved each other, where she and Harm were engaged .. where they were married .. where she was carrying his child .. where they shared the joy and frustrations of raising children … As these images were suddenly clear in her mind, she glanced across the plane and surprised Harm staring at her. He looked away quickly, but not before she saw the sadness there. Once again she felt the guilt for causing her one-time best friend so much unhappiness.

Maybe it wasn't too late. After all, she was the one who had declared that they had no future. What if she declared that they did have a future? Let Harmon Rabb try to dodge that one. She felt a little smile tip the corners of her mouth as some of her natural good humor began to reassert itself. She was a tough Marine .. she could handle a squid, couldn't she? She knew she had been the prickly one, withdrawing from Harm's tentative attempts to regain their friendship. Why had she done that? It seemed like she had no choice at the time, but now it seemed all wrong.

First of all, she had to end things with Clay. Then she had to see if anything could be salvaged of her friendship with Harm.

End Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

**Regrets**

By Bernadeen

A/N: OK, I know the time to fly cross-country plus the time lost from time zone changes would take much longer than implied here, but go with me on this, please. It's the story flow, not the details that I've concentrated on.

**Chapter 2**

The C-130 landed smoothly at Andrews Air Force Base and taxied to its designated deplaning point. Harm and Mac grabbed their briefcases and bags and left the plane. They had traveled to San Diego by commercial airliner so neither had transportation at Andrews. It was late and they expected to go home for the night and make their report the next day. Harm was about to ask Mac if she wanted to share a taxi, when he was surprised to see Sturgis Turner waiting for them.

When they were close enough, they greeted their colleague. "Hi, Sturgis. I take it the Admiral is anxious for our report?" Harm asked his friend.

"Right. He sent me to bring you back to JAG HQ."

"Okay. Let's go." Mac agreed. She was relieved not to have to share the back seat of a cab with Harm. Her emotions were still too unsettled. Sturgis had a government sedan. It was understood that Harm took the front passenger seat so he had more room for his long legs. Mac was content to sit in back and silently run through her report in preparation for her meeting with the Admiral.

By the time they had finished their oral report to the Admiral, Mac was tired and hungry. She wanted nothing more than to eat, take a hot bath, and drop into bed, in that order. Since she knew she was going out of town, she had left her car at home. Harm, however, had driven to the office, and now was the only one of the two who had transportation readily available.

As they left the building, he realized that Mac's car wasn't here. He glanced at his former partner. She looked tired and sad, somehow. "You need a lift?" he asked tentatively.

Mac's first impulse was to refuse, but that was silly. She did need a lift and it could take awhile for a cab to arrive this time of night. "Yes. Thanks," she answered quietly.

Harm drove silently through the night. He was enjoying Mac's presence, her subtle scent reaching his senses from the passenger seat. With little effort he could imagine that all the misunderstandings hadn't happened .. it was like old times when they returned from an assignment .. tired, happy to be home, and comfortable in each other's company.

As he took the Georgetown exit, Harm again glanced toward Mac, thinking she might have dozed off. She hadn't but continued to sit, lost in thought. "Let's stop and eat before I drop you off," he suggested before he could help himself. When Mac brought her thoughts back to his question and appeared about to refuse, he added, "We both have to eat and if your fridge is as empty as mine after being gone, there won't be much there."

Drawing in a deep breath, Mac answered, "all right."

Harm swung his SUV into a well-known 24-hour family restaurant with a large and varied menu. They could both find something here to satisfied their very different tastes.

Though the meal was not horribly uncomfortable, they found little to say and most of the time they sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Their meal finished, they continued on to Mac's apartment. When they arrived, Harm took Mac's case and walked with her to her door. Though she could have protested, she somehow was reluctant to send Harm away sooner than necessary. When they reached her apartment, Harm dropped her case inside her door, wished her a good night and left without delay.

Mac sighed as she walked through her empty apartment. The first thing she had to do was talk with Clay.

Two days later Mac still hadn't managed to reach Clay. She left messages, but his location was classified, as usual when he was not in his office. She and Harm didn't have much contact, even though they were both in the office. The Admiral had assigned them separate cases. There wasn't exactly tension between them, but there was no longer a feeling of friendship either. Mac wondered whether Harm regretted losing that as much as she did.

_1715 Friday  
__JAG HQ_

Three more days passed and it was Friday. Mac still hadn't heard from Clay. She felt like her life was on hold, floating in limbo, and she couldn't move on until she cleared up her relationship, or lack thereof, with Webb. Perhaps they hadn't become so close that an official "break up" was needed, but Mac felt she owed Clay a discussion because of what they had been through together. With a sigh, she shut down her computer, threw a few files in her briefcase, and left the office.

Harm was still in his office when he saw the Mac's light go off and glimpsed her crossing the bullpen. Several files still demanded his attention and he continued working for another hour. Since Mattie had come to be in his care, he usually tried to avoid working late. Tonight, however, she was at a friend's house for the night. Harm had called earlier to check that she had arrived safely there after school and to confirm her plans. Mattie grumbled a bit about Harm being overly protective, but she secretly enjoyed the feeling that someone checked up on her and was concerned about her again. Her mother had always done that, but alcohol had prevented her father from taking much interest in Mattie.

Finally Harm decided he had made enough progress in the paperwork and sat back with a sigh. He had a court date first thing Monday morning so he found the files he would need and put them in his briefcase to work on over the weekend. Shutting off his office light, he picked up his cover and left for home.

It was past most of the rush hour traffic and Harm made a quick trip to downtown Washington. He was nearing his home when he remembered that he had run out of both milk and coffee this morning. On the next block was a convenience store, and Harm pulled into the lot. Even though it wasn't late, the evening was cold and dark and the store was empty except for the clerk.

Harm was pulling a carton of milk from the cooler near the back when he heard the chime of the door opening. The fact that someone else was in the store didn't register until Harm heard something that caught his attention. He paused, listening, and turned slowly toward the front of the store. His view was obstructed by shelves, but his instincts told him there was trouble. Though he couldn't distinguish the words, he could hear a voice giving an order, belligerence trying to hide nervousness and fear.

Harm moved cautiously up an aisle until he could see the front of the store. A young, slightly built man with a stocking cap pulled down over his ears and his coat collar turned up around his face, was pointing a not quite steady gun at the store clerk. The clerk, young, inexperienced and terrified, was having difficulty getting the till open to comply with the robber's demand for money.

Suddenly, the robber caught a movement from the corner of his eye and instinctively swung the gun toward it. The sight of the tall man in a long dark coat over what appeared to be a uniform pushed his fear over the edge. Harm realized he had been seen and started to raise his hands to try to calm the situation. The next instant the robber pulled the trigger and Harm felt a burning in his chest. The blackness blotted out all thought almost before his body crumpled to the floor.

End Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

**Regrets**

By Bernadeen

**Chapter 3**

_2035 Friday  
__Admiral Chegwidden's Home_

After a quiet dinner, AJ Chegwidden sat down to enjoy more of the latest best seller he had started earlier in the week. He was just beginning to lose himself in the plot when his phone rang. The caller identified himself as a member of the DC police. His next words turned AJ's blood cold. Commander Harmon Rabb had been the victim of a shooting at a convenience store robbery near his home earlier that evening. He had been taken to Bethesda. The police officer told AJ that the wound appeared serious though the Commander had been alive when the ambulance left for the hospital.

AJ ended the call and quickly dialed Bethesda Naval Hospital. After being put on hold and transferred twice, the admiral used his strongest command tone to finally get some information. He was told that Commander Rabb was in surgery, but that was all he could find out. Slamming down the phone, AJ grabbed his coat and keys, knowing he urgently needed to get to the hospital. He knew Mattie would need to be notified, but he needed to know more himself before he could contact her. There was a time when he would automatically tell Mac immediately when Harm was in trouble, but that time was past. For whatever reason, Harm and Mac's friendship seemed to have ended. It was sad really, AJ thought. While he had warned them not to get too close, their friendship made them an unbeatable professional team. They were each still outstanding officers in their own right but they were no longer a team.

AJ arrived at the hospital and located the surgical floor. The nurse at the desk looked up wearily as he approached.

"I'm here about Commander Harmon Rabb. He was brought in with a gunshot wound and he was in surgery about a half hour ago. What can you tell me?"

The nurse looked back at him coolly. "Are you family, because if not …" she began unhelpfully.

AJ clamped down on his impatience but interrupted in his no-nonsense I-expect- to-be-obeyed voice, "I'm Admiral AJ Chegwidden, the Judge Advocate General, and Commander Rabb's commanding officer. Now what can you tell me?"

Suddenly becoming much more helpful, the nurse clicked some keys on the computer and looked at the information on the screen in front of her. "Commander Rabb is still in surgery, sir. There's a family waiting room down this hall, second door on the right. I'll send word so that the surgeon will see you as soon as he can."

AJ walked into the waiting room. It was surprisingly attractive and comfortable. The Admiral sat down in one of the overstuffed chairs, the type more often found in someone's living room. After a few minutes, AJ couldn't stand the inaction and got up to move around the room. He remembered seeing a refreshment area just outside the waiting room, and he went to see whether there was any fresh coffee. Luck would have it that the pot was full and appeared to be freshly made. AJ poured himself a cup and wondered how long he dared to wait until he contacted Mattie. PO Coates was her roommate, as he understood it, and he decided at least to give her some warning, though he still didn't want to tell Mattie until they knew more. If Rabb didn't make it, he would need to tell her in person.

He dialed his yeoman's home number before he realized that it was approaching 2200. Jen answered on the second ring.

"Coates, its Admiral Chegwidden."

"Yes, Admiral. What can I do for you?" Jen's voice indicated she immediately felt trouble.

AJ worked to keep his voice calm. "Jennifer, there's been a shooting …" he hesitated. "I don't want to talk to her, but is Mattie there?"

Jen's voice shook slightly when she answered, "No, sir. She's at a friend's house tonight… it's Commander Rabb, isn't it? Is he… is he…?"

"He's alive .. in surgery at Bethesda. I don't know anything else and I don't want to upset Mattie until I know more."

"I understand, sir." There was relief but still fear in her voice. She remembered only too clearly waiting outside sickbay on the Guadalcanal while Bud was in surgery .. the hours of anxious waiting, fear tearing her stomach to pieces until she had thrown up. She was glad the Admiral wanted to spare Mattie that if he could. "Do you know what happened?"

"The police said it was a convenience store robbery … wrong place, wrong time, I guess." AJ felt incredibly tired as he uttered the time-worn, yet true, phrase.

"Sir, have you told anyone else from JAG ops?" she was sure the Colonel would want to know even if she and Harm hadn't been getting along very well lately.

"No, not yet. Not much point until he's at least out of surgery. I'll call as soon as I hear more."

"Yes, sir."

Jennifer carefully placed the phone in its cradle and sank down on the couch. She felt like the world had tipped 90 degrees on its axis and everything was crazily wrong. Commander Rabb .. he was invincible, wasn't he? He couldn't be in any real danger, could he? Jennifer had grown up learning to be strong and tough. She had to be to withstand the withering criticism of her father and his religious condemnation of her.

In the Navy she had been in a war zone and had seen Bud Roberts seriously injured just a few feet from her. She knew it could happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere. Yet, after all of the dangerous missions the Commander had been on over the years, to be gunned down in a robbery in his own neighborhood. It was too tragic to even think about. Though Jennifer had been raised with continual religious teachings, her father's treatment hadn't endeared her to religion. When Bud was injured, she tried to find some faith and remember how to pray. She was not sure her feeble attempts had helped but he did pull through. Now Jennifer Coates reached deep inside herself and found the strength and the words to once again pray for a wounded comrade.

_2430 Friday  
__National Navy Medical Center  
__Bethesda_

Time dragged on as AJ waited for word. Rabb had been in surgery for hours .. that couldn't be a good sign. Yet, it meant he was still alive. AJ must have dozed a bit because suddenly he looked up to see in the doorway a figure in surgical green. The doctor's hair was dark with sweat and his smock showed a few blood splatters. He stepped forward. "Admiral, I'm Commander Donovan. I'm Commander Rabb's surgeon."

AJ stood up quickly, trying to read the doctor's face as to whether he had good or bad news. The doctor was experienced at making his expression unreadable and AJ had to wait for the doctor to make his report. Still he asked impatiently, "Commander, how is he?"

"He's alive," Dr. Donovan said cautiously, ".. for now."

AJ felt his heart constrict. "That bad?"

"Commander Rabb is remarkably strong and fit or he would be dead now. The bullet collapsed a lung, nicked an artery, but missed his heart. There was a lot of blood loss and we had problems stopping the bleeding. There continues to be the danger of leakage and if he starts to bleed again, I don't know how much more surgery he can withstand. There's always the danger of blood clots in these cases, too, and pneumonia. The next few hours will be critical. If he survives 24 hours, he probably has a chance. I'm sorry I don't have more encouraging news, Admiral, but as long as he's alive, there is hope. And we're doing everything we can to keep him that way."

"Do you expect him to be conscious?"

"I doubt it, at least for a few hours. In fact, it's best that he be as quiet as possible."

"No visitors, then?" AJ was thinking of Mattie and how she would react, having lost her mother just over a year ago.

"We allow one visitor at a time in ICU. Even though he isn't conscious, it often seems to help to have someone he's close to talk to him. I've seen loved ones almost literally hold severely ill patients back from death's door. If there's someone close to him .. wife, girlfriend .. ?"

"He has several close friends and a daughter. I'll make some calls. Thank you, Doctor."

After the doctor left the waiting room, AJ made a quick decision. It was time to call Mac. Then he would call Coates and go to get Mattie himself. He would call Bud but ask that he and Harriett wait until tomorrow to come to the hospital. They couldn't do anything tonight and he didn't want them to have to find childcare at this time of night. Pulling out his phone, he dialed Mac's home.

_End Chapter 3_


	4. Chapter 4

**Regrets**

By Bernadeen

**Chapter 4**

_0110 Saturday  
__Mac's apartment  
__Georgetown_

Mac had been restless all evening. Something was nagging at her, like a dark cloud lurking just at the edge of her vision. Her skin felt like small electric charges tingled across her arms from time to time. The skin on the back of her neck prickled as though the hair was trying to stand up It was most unsettling. She had never experienced anything quite like it before and it was beginning to worry her. Was it something physical .. was she about to have a heart attack? That was silly .. she was too young and she was healthy .. in great shape .. but then what was it?

She couldn't seem to settle down and when bedtime came and passed by, she didn't even think about trying to sleep. When her phone range at 0130 she suddenly knew this was what she was waiting for and it wasn't anything good.

She answered after the first ring and heard her CO's voice.

"Colonel, I'm sorry to disturb you so late. I'm at Bethesda. There's been a shooting. Commander Rabb. It's not good. You should come. I'll wait for you but then I need to go get Mattie." AJ's clipped sentences betrayed his worry and emotional stress.

Mac closed her eyes as her chest felt like it had taken a body slam. Harm.. she should have known her foreboding involved him. She forced herself to think clearly. Time enough for emotions later. "Admiral, I can pick up Mattie. Does she know anything?"

"I called Coates a couple of hours ago before I knew anything except that he was in surgery. Mattie is staying at a friend's tonight. You'll have to get the address from Coates."

"I'll take care of it, Admiral." Mac quickly dialed Jennifer Coates number. She answered on the first ring, clearly she hadn't been sleeping either.

"Jen, it's Mac. You know about Harm. The Admiral said it's not good and wants Mattie to come to the hospital. It might help Mattie if you're with her. What's the address of her friend?"

"Ma'am, she's not far from here and I can pick her up and take her to the hospital, if that's okay. I'll call her friend's parents and tell them I need to come get her."

"If you're sure, Jen. Is it safe in that neighborhood this time of night?"

"Her friend is close but in a better part of town and I have my pepperspray. I'll be fine. We'll be at the hospital soon."

Jen called and woke Mattie's friend's parents and briefly told them that she would be picking up Mattie because her guardian had been involved in an accident. When Jen arrived a short while later, Mattie was waiting, pale and shaky. It was too soon after losing her mother and she was scared. Jen wrapped her in a tight hug. "Mattie, I know you're scared and I don't know much, but the Admiral is at the hospital and Mac is on her way. We'll find out more when we get there."

After talking with Coates, Mac grabbed her coat and keys and set out for the hospital. With very little traffic, the trip to Bethesda was made quickly. Mac took the elevator to ICU, assuming that's where she would find Harm. She looked toward the waiting room and saw AJ coming toward her.

"Mac, where's Mattie?"

"Jennifer said she wasn't far from her and offered to pick her up. They've gotten pretty close, I think, so I thought it would be better than my doing it… how is he?"

AJ's shoulders slumped slightly. "It doesn't look good. The doctor said if he makes it 24 hours, he has a pretty good chance, but frankly, I don't think the doctor is very optimistic. He took a bullet to the chest. Collapsed lung, nicked artery, lots of blood loss. They're worried about more internal bleeding, blood clots, and pneumonia. The doctor said he probably can't withstand any more surgery."

Mac suddenly felt darkness closing in and had to sit down because she was afraid she would faint. Disgusted with herself for such a sign of weakness, she tried to apologize. "Admiral, I'm sorry. I'm not usually this …"

"Mac, don't worry about it. I know how close you used to be .. and I know how all of it comes back when someone you care about is injured." He sat down beside her and for just a moment put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "The doctor said that he can have one visitor for a short time in ICU. Even though Harm isn't expected to regain consciousness for several hours, the doctor said sometimes a patient responds to someone he cares about talking to him. You and Mattie are closest to him. That's why I called both of you."

Mac's head came up with new determination. "Can I see him now?"

Harm was still being settled into ICU from the recovery room and his vitals monitored closely. About a half hour later a nurse came to take Mac into ICU. Mac braced herself for what she would see. In spite of all the dangerous situations Harm had been in over the years, the only time she had seen him in the hospital was after his plane went down in the Atlantic on the eve of her wedding, and that had been four days later. He had looked pretty good by then.

The nurse indicated which bed, told her only ten minutes, and backed away to give them privacy. Mac cautiously moved closer. Harm's big body filled the bed, yet looked sadly frail. He was so still and pale. Wires and tubes attached him to various monitors, bags and machines.

Ignoring the fist that seemed to squeeze her heart and lungs, she stepped forward and carefully slid her hand around his fingers and gently squeezed. His hand was cool, but definitely reassured her that it contained life. She leaned closer and gently brushed his forehead and cheek with her other hand. "Hi, flyboy," she said softly, using the fond nickname she had used in happier times. Suddenly she couldn't keep the mask in place any longer. "Harm .. Harm, don't leave me," she whispered desperately. "I need your friendship. Give us a chance to be friends again. You said once that what you want most is never to lose me .. well that goes both ways. What I want most is never to lose you. Don't give up, Harm. You hear me. Don't you dare give up and leave me."

Even though she knew he couldn't hear her or feel her touch, she felt compelled to brush her fingers across his cheek and brow again. Her touch lingered and his skin seemed to grow warmer under her caress. She knew it was her imagination, but she felt like her life was flowing into him. She tried to imagine her strength joining with his and bringing him back to her. She continued to talk to him, touch him, and hold his hand until the nurse returned to say she had to leave.

Mac walked back into the waiting room looking pale and shaken. AJ had never seen her so upset. He led her to a chair and sat beside her. Mac looked at him, her eyes shiny with unshed tears. "He looks so frail, Admiral. I'm afraid we're going to lose him."

AJ put a strong arm around her shoulders and gave her a quick, hard hug. "Every minute he's alive, there's hope, Colonel."

Mattie and Jen arrived a few minutes later. AJ explained the situation to them and asked whether Mattie felt up to seeing him for a few minutes. She looked toward Mac who had been in there. Her eyes asked how bad it was.

Mac reached over to take Mattie's hand. "I won't sugar coat it, Mattie. He is very ill. It's a bit frightening to be in there. But all of the equipment is to help him get better and he's holding his own. The doctor said sometimes it helps a patient to hear someone who is close to them, even if it doesn't seem like he's aware of you. But it's up to you. If you want to wait until he's better before you see him, that's okay, too."

Mattie drew her hair back with a shaky hand. "I need to see him. I didn't have a chance with my Mom and I can't risk …"

Mac squeezed her hand. "Okay, I'll let the nurse know."

A routine was established that Harm could have one visitor for ten minutes once each hour. When the next time came around, Mattie stood up, drew a strengthening breath, and followed the nurse. She returned 15 minutes later, sat down next to Mac and they put their arms around each other for comfort. Finally, Mattie drew back. "He doesn't look so bad, you know." She clearly was trying to convince herself, but Mac wasn't about to dispute the statement.

Mac spent another ten minutes with Harm in the next hour. She didn't know whether it was her fervent hope or whether it was real, but she thought he looked better.

Bud and Harriett arrived before dawn, as soon as they could get someone to stay with their boys. At first the nursing staff wouldn't allow Bud to visit Harm, but Bud told them that Harm had been there to encourage him when he had been seriously wounded. He needed to offer the same encouragement to Harm. When the next time for visiting came around, Bud took his turn.

The doctor stopped by an hour later after checking on Harm. He was much more encouraging than he had been last night. Harm's vital signs were stable or improving. His color was better and he seemed to be coming closer to awaking. He cautioned the group that if Harm should wake while one of them was with him, they should immediately press the call button and do everything they could to keep him calm until the nurse arrived.

Mac and Mattie had taken most of the turns to visit Harm, but also had managed to get a nap in one of the more comfortable padded benches along the wall of the waiting room, wrapped in each other's arms for strength and comfort.

_End Chapter 4_


	5. Chapter 5

**Regrets**

By Bernadeen

A/N: Thanks to all of you who have written reviews. It's very encouraging for a newwriter and I appreciate your taking the time to say a few words. Now for the next chapter...

**Chapter 5**

_Saturday1400  
__National Naval Medical Center  
__Bethesda_

It was mid-afternoon. AJ had brought sandwiches from the cafeteria just after noon, but most of those on the vigil ate little. It was Mac's turn to see Harm again. This time she was sure he looked better. He was definitely less pale and somehow he seemed more alive. As she had each of the other times, she slipped her hand around his fingers and squeezed gently. Her heart leaped when this time she felt a weak movement against her hand. With her other hand she caressed his face and spoke to him. "Harm, come back to me. Harm, it's Mac. I'm here and I always will be, if you want me. A lot of people care about you and you need to get better for them … and for me. I love you, Harm. And I'll say it again when you wake up." Though she continued to talk to him and touch him, to her disappointment, he didn't wake. Twice more she felt a twitch from his fingers she was holding, but that was all. When the nurse came to say her time was up, Mac told her about his fingers moving. The nurse smiled and noted it on her chart.

Mac was smiling when she went back to the waiting room. Mattie rushed up to her demanding to know whether he was awake. "No, but his fingers twitched three separate times, after I squeezed his hand." This news lightened the mood the entire group.

Over the next few hours, Bud and Harriett each took a turn, then went home to their children. AJ finally took a turn. Mattie was just leaving Harm's bedside when the doctor came in. Mattie hesitated and the doctor smiled, "I'll just check him over and then I'll be out to give you an update."

A few minutes later Dr. Donovan told the group he was cautiously optimistic. Harm's vital signs were constantly improving. The doctor expected him to wake up any time. While he was unconscious, Harm was still on a respirator, but after he was awake, the doctor was hopeful that the tube could be removed. "We're approaching 24 hours, and that's usually the critical time period. I'll check back in a few hours."

A little while later it was Mac's turn again. This time she was looking forward to seeing him. It had been several hours since her last turn, and she was hopeful that he would awake for her. Following her usual routine, she took his hand and began talking. Almost immediately she felt his hand move. She laid her hand on his cheek and felt his head move slightly into her touch. She continued to say his name and encourage him to open his eyes. Finally, his lids flickered. After several tries, his eyes opened and looked upward unfocused. "Harm, I'm so glad to see you awake. You gave us quite a scare. But you're on the mend now."

Mac watched as his beautiful eyes began to focus on his surroundings, then slid toward her. She could see the recognition and the fear and the pain. "It's all right, Harm. You're going to be all right. Just stay calm. You're in good hands. You're at Bethesda." She continued in a calm, reassuring voice while she pressed the call button. He seemed to relax at her words and his lids drifted shut.

A minute later the nurse arrived. Mac told her that Harm had opened his eyes and seemed to recognize her. Still, they couldn't completely rouse him again, though his eyelids fluttered when Mac called his name. The nurse checked him over and said it appeared he had drifted into a deep sleep rather than unconsciousness. A very good sign.

An hour later the doctor came by. "Colonel, since you seem to have success with waking him up, why don't we see if you can do it again." Mac and Dr. Donovan entered the ICU and stood on each side of Harm's bed. Mac took his hand, squeezed it, and called his name. Almost immediately, his hand gripped hers with surprising strength and his eyes opened. He tried to talk and she saw the flash of fear when he didn't understand why he couldn't. The doctor quickly explained that he was on a respirator, but that now he was awake it could be removed. The doctor explained the procedure and told Harm that since his wound was in his chest, removing the tube would be painful. Harm held Mac's hand tightly and nodded to the doctor.

As the tube slid out, Harm groaned in pain and coughed, only making his chest hurt worse. The doctor quickly gave him a sip of water, then another sip of something to sooth his throat. "Even though you can, don't try to talk for awhile. And you need to stay calm and don't try to move. You're doing very well considering how close you were to not being here. If you continue to improve, we'll be getting you up in a couple of days. I'll let the colonel stay for a few more minutes, then you need to rest."

After the doctor left, Mac laid her hand along Harm's cheek and caressed him lovingly. She couldn't help it; she had to touch him. She had come so close to losing him and needed reassurance that he was really coming back to her. "Do you remember what happened?" she asked softly.

Harm's eyes showed confusion and before he could try to speak, she went on, "You were shot in a convenience store robbery. We almost lost you but you're on the way back now." She smiled softly, "What am I going to do with you, Flyboy? You're adding gray hairs to my head and subtracting years from my life with your… adventures. And I know, this wasn't your fault, at all. Just being in the wrong place at the wrong time." She saw his expression soften, his eyes caressing her face. There was still some puzzlement in his expression, but he clearly liked to have her close and affectionate. "They're going to kick me out of here in a minute and you need to get some rest. I'll be back later, okay?" On impulse, she bent down and placed a quick soft kiss on his lips. With a final caress along his cheek and a squeeze of his hand, she turned and left the room.

This time she was actually grinning when she got back to the waiting room. "He's awake and off the respirator." She announced. AJ, Mattie and Coates hugged her and each other in turn. "The doctor said he needs to rest, keep very calm and quiet for a couple days, then they'll start to get him up if he keeps on improving." She looked at the tired but relieved group. "Why don't you all go home and get some rest. I'm sure they won't let us visit tonight. He needs his sleep, too. You can come tomorrow morning."

"And what about you, Colonel? You've been here as long as the rest of us." The Admiral pointed out.

"I'm just going to talk to the nursing staff about visiting hours and to be sure they call me if Harm needs me. I'll call Bud and Harriett to let them know he's better. Maybe I can see him again for a few minutes, then I'll head home, too. I promise."

AJ smiled at how completely Mac had taken charge of Harm's care and how proprietary she sounded. Finally, he decided, she has realized how important Harm is to her after almost losing him. Why she didn't figure that out after he almost drowned in the Atlantic, he would never know. Hard-headed Marine, AJ thought affectionately.

After the others left, Mac called Bud and Harriett with the good news. Then she was told that Harm was resting comfortably and she wouldn't be allowed to see him again tonight. She left all her phone numbers and ordered that she be called if Harm asked for her.

Finally at home, Mac sat down on her couch to let her mind and body unwind. In the last 24 hours she had almost lost Harm forever and realized what an enormous hole that would leave in her life. She knew it when he went down in the Atlantic, but somehow she had lost sight of that feeling. It wouldn't happen again. Short of Harm telling her straight to her face that he didn't love her and didn't want her, she would never leave him again. She might be a stubborn Marine but she wasn't completely stupid. And because she was a stubborn Marine, once she made up her mind about something, she saw it through to the end. That was her downfall in her past relationships with men. She stayed true to the wrong ones and let the right one go. Why was that? She didn't know whether she would ever figure that out, but she was convinced she was on the right track now.

She was exhausted and didn't want to fall asleep on her couch. She took a quick shower but didn't have the energy to make anything to eat. Instead she dropped off to sleep almost immediately.

_End Chapter 5_


	6. Chapter 6

**Regrets**

By Bernadeen

**Chapter 6**

_Saturday morning  
__National Navy Medical Center  
__Bethesda_

Harm very slowly became aware of a voice. Her voice. But where was she? It was almost like when he was underwater .. drowning. Yet this water was calm, warm, welcoming. He drifted in it and let himself slip deeper…

Again Harm was vaguely aware of a voice. A different voice this time. Another woman .. no, a young girl .. he should know who it was but he couldn't quite remember .. and there was pain … and the water was warm and welcoming and he let himself slip away...

A man's voice pulling him up out of the warm, calming water .. telling him not to give up … to fight to live … but the pain … and the water was so sweet and he slipped away …

From time to time there were other voices. He didn't even try to work out how often he heard them. Mostly he couldn't understand what they were saying, but all were soothing, quietly persuasive.

And then it was her voice again. In spite of the warm soothing water drawing him down and in spite of the pain he found as it tried to move toward the voice, he knew he had to go to her. He tried to reach out to her. The side of his face felt warm .. something caressed his cheek with a touch that felt like love and he tried to turn toward it. She was close to him, telling him to wake up, to come to her, not to leave her. Finally, he knew his eyes were open because he could see light but nothing else. He couldn't focus his eyes and began to be afraid that his vision was gone. Then she spoke again and his eyes looked toward her voice … and he saw her. Blurred at first but then clearer .. she looked so beautiful … but he was so tired he couldn't stay awake. It wasn't the warm water calling him back, just a massive tiredness that he couldn't resist…

Her voice brought him awake. He had been dreaming .. hell, maybe all of this was a dream .. he wasn't sure of anything .. everything was so unreal. Voices sounded like they were muffled and his eyes didn't want to open. But open them he did and there she was. There was someone else, too. Harm was able to focus on what they were saying better than he expected. The man was a doctor and he said he was doing better. Harm tried to remember what happened but he couldn't think .. he could only feel .. pleased that Mac was so close and so affectionate .. and feel the pain in his throat and chest.

The doctor was talking about that and he had to pay attention. He was on a respirator and there was a tube in his throat .. that's why he couldn't talk. And the doctor said it would be painful to remove it, but Harm hated the feel of it. He felt Mac's hand holding his and he hung on to her. He hoped the doctor understood that he wanted him to go ahead and remove the tube. Yup, he did because he was instructing Harm on what to do. God .. the pain when he pulled it out .. his chest was on fire. Whatever the doctor gave him to sip on really helped his throat. His chest still burned, though.

He listened to Mac talk. She said something about a robbery and he had been shot. He couldn't take in all the words because he was enjoying her affectionate touching. She was still holding his hand and caressing his cheek and forehead. He never wanted her to stop. Then she leaned closer and said she had to leave. And then she kissed him. He was almost asleep by the time she walked out the door, but the feeling of Sarah Mackenzie holding his hand and caressing his face was more wonderful than the warm comfortable water that he hadn't wanted to leave.

_0900 Sunday  
__National Navy Medical Center  
__Bethesda_

Sarah Mackenzie walked onto the ICU floor, anxious to see Harm and confirm that he was improving. There had been no calls during the night .. in this case no news was good news. The nurse told her that Harm had had a good night and had been awake earlier. He still had a lot of pain and the morphine drip helped him rest more comfortably. The doctor had been in just a short time ago and expected Harm to be moved to a regular room on Monday morning unless he developed complications.

A few minutes later Mac was allowed to go into the ICU. A few steps away from his bedside, she stopped just to look at him. Yes, he did look better. His color was more normal. His breathing seemed slow but strong and the heart monitor confirmed a steady beat. She moved forward quietly and slipped her hand in his as she had so often the night and day before.

At her touch, Harm jerked slightly from surprise and then answered her squeeze with a strong grip of his own. His eyes opened and she was overjoyed to see the old Harm. The humor and affection was there as he looked at her, along with lingering pain. "Hey, Flyboy. You're looking better."

"Yeah, I guess I'm better but I don't remember the worse part, apparently."

"You were shot in a convenience store robbery. We almost lost you." Mac answered as calmly as she could.

Harm shook his head slightly. "The last thing I remember is being in the office after coming back from California. I worked late Friday because Mattie …" he suddenly remembered his ward and that she had been alone. Slightly panicked, he asked, "How long since Friday? Where's Mattie? She needs …"

Mac laid a calming hand on his arm. "Harm, it's okay. She's okay. She and Jen were here yesterday until you woke up, then I sent everyone home to get some sleep. I'm sure they'll be back today." He looked so worried that she couldn't resist gently running her fingers down his cheek. "You need to stay calm, doctor's orders."

Harm was confused. He looked into her eyes and saw .. something that looked like love .. certainly strong affection. "Mac .. have I forgotten something important? You and me? We seem .. closer than I remember?"

'I wish we could forget the entire last year,' Mac thought. "You haven't forgotten, Harm. You .. you're important to me. If you weren't around, who would I argue with?" she said with a tender smile.

"I'm glad you're here," he said quietly and held her hand tighter. After a quiet moment of comfort, Harm asked, "What's my prognosis?"

"You're in ICU but they'll probably move you to a regular room tomorrow. I haven't talked with the doctor about recovery time. You were shot in the chest and lost a lot of blood, had a collapsed lung, and the bullet nicked an artery. I'm sure they'll make you take it easy until there's no chance of tearing the repair to the artery."

Harm sighed with resignation. "Yeah, I'm sure you're right… How's Mattie taking this?"

"She was pretty scared, but she held up very well. I'm sure she'll be here soon to see you."

Harm was looking very tired so Mac soon said goodbye, promising to return later in the day.

In the hospital lobby, Mac made phone calls to update everyone on Harm's condition. She told them he seemed to tire easily and probably could only have short visits. It was likely that on Monday he would be moved to a regular room and could have more visitors.

Mac was restless and didn't want to go home. She was still catching up on work that had piled up while she was in California, and decided to focus her energy on that. She spent several hours at JAG HQ, making good progress. She couldn't afford to get behind. She, and everyone, would be carrying a heavier load now that Harm would be out for some unknown time.

Finally, at mid-afternoon, she left the office and drove back to Bethesda. A short visit and then she'd head home to take care of a few chores there before another work week began.

When she reached the ICU, she checked in with the nurse at the desk. She was told that Harm was doing well and wouldn't need to be in ICU much longer. He had had a couple of visitors during the day but the visits were kept very short. The nurse warned Mac not to stay long because he needed to rest.

As she had so many times since early Saturday morning, Mac approached Harm's bed in ICU. He appeared to be sleeping peacefully. Just as she was about to step forward and reach for his hand, something made her hesitate. The old uncertainty returned. What if she showed her feelings too openly? What if Harm only cared for her as a friend? She remembered the pain and humiliation on the ferry in Sydney Harbor when she believed Harm had rejected her attempt to move beyond friendship. She never wanted to experience anything like that again. They could be friends .. good friends .. and that would be enough.

She moved forward and brushed her fingers over the back of his hand while softly calling his name. When he opened his eyes, she stepped back and broke the physical contact. Harm smiled at her with almost his usual wattage.

"How are you feeling?"

Harm's smile faded a bit. "Tired, sore, weak, confined."

Mac grinned. Harm was a man of action and being confined to a hospital bed would make him a really bad patient. She didn't envy the nurses when he began to feel good enough to want to go home. She nodded sympathetically. "Can I get you anything?"

"A miracle cure?"

"Sorry, I don't have one in my pocket. I wish I did," she added a bit wistfully.

Harm smiled weakly and raised his hand toward her. There was a feebleness about the gesture that tore at Mac's heart. In an instant she realized that protecting herself from hurt was unimportant compared to Harm's recovery. She stepped forward, slipped her hand into his, and squeezed reassuringly.

He returned the pressure and said, "This is almost as good as a miracle cure." Harm tiredly rested his head back against the pillow. As Mac was about to say she should leave and let him rest, he continued, "You know you saved me, don't you? Again."

"What do you mean?"

"I was in this warm, comfortable place and I wanted to stay there, but I heard your voice. You sounded so insistent that I shouldn't leave you. I'm not sure I heard the words exactly, but your tone .. the way you sounded .. it was so .. compelling to me. I had to do as you asked." As if realizing the moment had become very intense, he grinned, and added, "I always do what you tell me, don't I?"

"Not even close," Mac grinned as she followed his lead away from more intense revelations. "I should leave so you can rest. Are you able to rest? Is there much pain?"

"It's bearable, especially as long as they let me keep this self-medicating pain killer."

"Well, it's regulated so you can't give yourself too much, but don't try to be a tough guy and go without. You know your body heals quicker when pain is under control."

"Yes, Mother," Harm cheekily responded to Mac's instructions.

With a laugh, Mac told him she really needed to leave before the nurse threw her out. Impulsively, she leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Harm's lips. Before he could recover from his surprise, she whispered, "See you later, Flyboy," and quickly left the room, leaving Harm with a surprised, delighted smile on his face.

_End Chapter 6_


	7. Chapter 7

**Regrets**

By Bernadeen

A/N: Thanks for your reviews. Here's the last chapter.

**Chapter 7**

Harm continued to recover at an amazing rate. When Mac went to see him the next day, he was out of ICU. The following day he was sitting in a chair when she entered his room. They joked and flirted, almost like old times, but both knew a time would come to talk about this new closeness.

Two weeks later, the doctors told Harm he could be go home if someone was there to look after him. When the news was conveyed to Mattie, she immediately said she would stay out of school to take care of him. Harm made it clear that Mattie was not to miss school on his behalf. In the end, Mac was able to clear her schedule and persuade the admiral that she should be with Harm during the day. The doctors expected that Harm wouldn't need help for more than a week.

A routine was established wherein Mac arrived at Harm's just after breakfast. Coates would take Mattie to school while Mac took over "Harm watch" for the day. Harm didn't really need physical help – it was mostly to ensure that he didn't overdo things, to pick up groceries or prescriptions since Harm wasn't allowed to drive yet, and to keep him from going stir crazy in his apartment.

At first, they were slightly awkward with each other, but Mac was determined that nothing would slow up Harm's recovery. Therefore, she was persistently cheerful and ready to help Harm in anything he needed, almost before he knew he needed it. In fact, it was Mac who sometimes felt a bit stir crazy since Harm's recovery included long naps during the day. She brought files with her so that she was able to feel productive both as a friend and as a lawyer.

Near the end of the week, Mac drove Harm to Bethesda for a follow up doctor's appointment. The doctor was pleased with Harm's progress. He no longer needed someone with him in his apartment. The doctor scheduled another appointment in a week, but expected that if Harm's recovery continued at the current pace, it was likely that Harm would be cleared for limited duty after that.

When Mac and Harm arrived back at Harm's apartment, both were in a thoughtful mood. Mac tried to sound cheerful as she said, "Well, I guess my temporary assignment is finished. You'll be glad to have you privacy back, I expect."

Harm gazed at her with sadness and longing. "I was getting used to having you around… I liked it."

Mac's almost made some flippant remark, but stopped herself in time. Instead, she thoughtfully returned his look. "So did I," she said honestly.

Harm stepped closer to Mac and raised his hand to touch her cheek. "Mac, I don't want to go back to where we were before I got shot. I know we've both hurt each other a lot lately, but … can we just go on from here? … I don't want to lose your friendship again."

At Harm's first words, Mac's heart began to race. Finally, they could be honest in their feelings. Then his last words dealt her a discouraging blow. He only wanted friendship. She hesitated a few seconds before responding, needing to control her disappointment. She wasn't quite successful as her voice trembled slightly. "I don't want to lose your friendship either," she agreed but didn't quite meet his eyes.

Instantly Harm knew he had made yet another mistake, but wasn't sure what it was. This time, though, he wasn't about to back down. "Mac, talk to me. I know I just said something wrong, but I don't know what. I don't understand."

"No, you didn't," Mac tried to speak convincingly. Harm didn't need the added stress of knowing how she felt and feeling guilty for not being able to return her love. Besides, her self-preservation was beginning to kick in. She continued with more confidence, "I value your friendship more than you'll ever know, Harm." Then she grinned. "And I'm looking forward to kicking your butt in court again."

"Oh, no, you don't. You're not getting away with that diversionary tactic this time. Tell me why you looked so sad just then. Please?" Harm's instincts told him they needed to be honest with each other now or it might never happen.

Mac sighed and turned away from him. She paced across the room, turned back and stopped a few feet away, as she gathered her strength around her. Drawing a deep breath, she took the plunge, "I was sad because you only want my friendship while I … I want your … love."

Harm could hardly believe Mac's words. His heart began to beat harder and faster, causing a dull pain in his still healing chest. When, by reflex, he brought his arm up to cover his chest and went slightly pale, Mac felt a stab of terror and instantly regretted her words.

"Harm .. Harm, are you all right?" She moved quickly to take his arm and lead him the couch. "God, I knew this wasn't the right time to get into that discussion. I am so sorry." She sank down beside him, slipping an arm around his waist.

Harm was slightly short of breath, more from excitement than from any pain. "Mac, I'm fine. You just caught me off guard." He turned to her and again lifted his fingers to her face. His voice was like a soft caress, "you have my love, Sarah, don't you know that? You've had it for very long time."

Mac could only stare. No words would form in her brain so she simply leaned forward, sliding both arms around Harm and holding him tight. His strong arms answered her embrace. They just held each other as both of them soaked up the new feeling of knowing each was loved. After a few minutes they drew back far enough to confirm the knowledge as they saw the love and longing in their gaze. Almost reverently they shared their first kiss as lovers, a kiss that quickly became urgent with need. Mac's lips parted as she invited Harm's tongue to explore, then she took her turn tasting and caressing. As their embrace escalated and threatened to become out of control, Mac finally drew back. "Harm, slow down. I don't want you to overdo things. You're still recovering."

Drawing a deep, calming breath, Harm loosened his embrace. "The way I feel now, I'd chance it, but you're probably right. I love you and I've waited a long time for you. I don't want to wait a second longer than necessary, so the sooner I'm healed, the sooner we can continue this, right?"

Mac smiled shyly, "I love you, too." Her smile became more sly. "And we can practice a little more each day, just to build your strength." As she gazed into his eyes, her smile faded and she became more pensive. "When I thought I was going to lose you, I didn't know how I would live without you. You've been in danger so many times, and each time I've been terrified. But afterward I could never bring myself to tell you how I felt. I thought you only wanted to be friends. And I wanted so much more. That night as I waited to learn whether you would live, I had so many regrets – regrets for a lost friendship, regrets for not trying again to tell you how I felt, regrets for the promise of a baby that might never be conceived, regrets for so many lost opportunities. We've waited so long and we still have some things to work out, but this is it, isn't it, Harm? .. what we've both always wanted? "

Harm drew Mac back into a strong embrace as he answered, "Yes, my love. This is it." And he proceeded to show Mac a glimpse of their future.

_End_


End file.
